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Red Alert
The terrible secrets of carrots, bread,
and dihydrogen monoxide

Various anonymous sources reveal the power of uncritical thinking

Blame it on carrots
1. Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots. Obviously the effects are cumulative.

2. An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer and heart disease have eaten carrots.

3. 99.9% of people involved in car crashes ate carrots within 60 days of their accidents.

4. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots are served regularly.

5. Among people born in 1839 who later ate carrots, the mortality rate has been 100%.

The case against bread
1. More than 95 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on intelligence tests.

3. In the days when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years, many women died In childbirth, and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. As little as 30 grams of bread can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average Australian eats more bread than that in a day!

6. Bread is known to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

7. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 300°C. That kind of heat can kill you in less than a minute.

8. Bread Is often a gateway food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jam, Vegemite, cheese slices, and even corned beef.

9. Bread has been shown to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 80 percent water, eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive wheat product, turning you into a soggy gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Many bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistics.

Warning to all humans
Scientists have recently demonstrated the wide-spread presence of the compound dihydrogen monoxide within the human population. This insidious substance:

1. Has been detected in all cancerous tissues.

2. Has been known to contribute to the incidence of human death by asphyxiation.

3. Has been implicated as a common contaminant of cereal based yeast-fermented beverages, typically introduced during the dispensing process.

4. Has been directly implicated in increased urine output in humans and chimpanzees.

5. Is a major component of genetically modified crops.

6. Has been observed to decrease libido in cold climates when applied externally in copious quantities.

7. Has been known to impair the function of computers and other electronic devices.

8. Has been shown to cause unsightly puckering of the dermis.

9. Has been shown to reduce the effectiveness of drugs as the concentration of dihydrogen monoxide in the mixture increases beyond certain tolerance levels.

On the other hand, the compound has received wide acceptance for its medical efficacy within the homeopathic community.

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